After work, I was driving my car to get the exhaust system repaired, the last major thing I needed to fix before being able to get my car to pass emissions, and… a cop pulled me over about a mile from my apartment.

I have a summons to appear in court on October 22, and I didn’t have my most current proof of insurance with me… man, what suckage!

It was tempting, and I indulged for a bit, to think about, what if I had taken the highway, or what if I had taken an alternate route home from work, another 5-10 minutes, what if this, what if that, what if I had spent less money… and I was feeling really angry!

But really, this is what it is: I took a risk by not making sure my tags were taken care of, and I got burned. Now, of course, I should be able to take care of everything pretty quickly, and I’m hoping that taking care of the lapses, along with demonstrating the repair bills, will be a show of good faith and encourage leniency.

So, I dropped my car off at the garage, and I should be getting a quote on the fuel & exhaust systems tomorrow.

After that, I rode my bike over to the light rail and took that home. It was not too bad of a ride, but there was some rain, which was all too exciting for words. Also, I had left my backpack at home, not needing it, and I found riding that much more enjoyable. I will endeavor to not take the backpack from now on!

After I got off the light rail, I started riding my bike up Mineral, which covers 125 feet over 0.75 miles (3% grade). The first time I approached that hill (9 days ago), I was already quite tired and just didn’t have the energy to push up through. This time around, I did pretty well, making it up halfway before I just had to quit. Now, granted, there was a woman there, and this wasn’t particularly intentional, but instead of walking it up the hill from the get-go, I chose to attempt the ride.

What happened next was kind of interesting. I passed her, then crossed a side street (I was riding on the sidewalk since it was getting dark and the roads were wet), and then had to wait to cross the main street. She caught up to me then, and I started going up the hill again… until I just couldn’t. (I was still about 1.5-2 miles from home and didn’t want to expend it all on the hill.) The woman then called out to me, “Tough to make it up the hill?” or something like that, only I couldn’t hear her initially because of the traffic.

Hold on, there is an interesting part still coming!

She then commented how she thought about riding a bike, but that she would find the hill difficult, too. I don’t remember my response, really, but then she asked if I rode the light rail, to which I replied, no, I had just dropped off my car, but I live not too far away and have just started riding to work. She then repeated, almost word-for-word, about how she’s considered riding a bicycle to the light rail but that riding it back would be hard work, and I said, “Yeah, it would be a workout!”

I don’t remember what she said to that, but she excused herself and started walking towards the apartments. I thought it was a little strange that she seemed to be walking toward the fence where there was no gate or anything like that…

The last I saw, she was actually climbing the fence!

So, the interesting part (to me, anyway): she repeated herself with almost exactly the same words, phrasing, and inflection, and this is something that always stands out to me. I’ve come to understand it as something that is generally not a conscious behavior–not that I can psychologize anyone after talking with them for a few seconds, but people who do this do not seem to be aware that they have repeated themselves.

I don’t recall feeling anything in particular during this exchange–I hadn’t quite hit the endorphin rush (that came after I made it home and was singing at the top of my lungs in the shower), but I was in pretty good spirits.

When this woman excused herself and walked towards the fence in order to climb over it, the first thought in my mind was, “I haven’t done anything like that since I was in my mid-teens!” Immediately after that was, “Man, she must have really wanted to get away!”

Frankly, I’m quite happy about that! Not because I think she’s a bad person or anything like that, but in the few seconds I spent with this woman, I got that she lacks a particular kind of awareness that I personally find unsettling, and whatever else may have led me to try to be “impressive” was overridden by the weirdness of the repetition and her climbing act.

It just occurred to me that if I am trying to be “impressive,” that might be an even earlier warning sign to me, that I’m already picking things up that are just at the edges of my current level of awareness–the way she walks, the clothes she’s wearing, etc.

On my way home after my haircut, I saw a gentleman standing at the corner of the intersection I turn into to go to my apartment. As I turned, I saw he had a blind man’s cane (I see more blind people with canes in this area than I think I’ve ever seen in my life).

He was pretty clearly intending to cross the street, but I figured it was probably going to be pretty difficult as there aren’t any aural indicators that it is OK to cross, so I made a loop around the median and pulled back up to the intersection, parked my car, and asked if he’d like a hand.

As we crossed, he commented that he was just talking to somebody on the phone about “good people” in the world, saying that there don’t seem to be too many.

A part of me wanted to say that there are more good people in the world than it seems, but I didn’t… and in retrospect, I think that was right, because the blind guy is going to have experienced a lot more about just how good people generally are, because his disability puts him in a position of vulnerability that the majority of us just take for granted.

I don’t recount this to pat myself on the back or anything, though I do feel proud that I stopped to help out. What struck me about this guy, and what I felt somewhat sad about, is that we do live in a world where somebody taking the time out of their day to help somebody out is considered a novelty.

So let’s make some more good people… we have our work cut out for us!

I occasionally get friend requests on facebook from people I haven’t spoken to in a long time. Normally, I am pretty clear on whether I want to engage that person, but if I’m not, in the past I’ve added them to see what happens.

Usually, I end up removing them anyway.

So, today, I got a friend request on facebook from somebody I haven’t spoken to since I ended my last relationship.

I wasn’t sure, and I’m a little leery of people just adding me out of the blue with no reference to the amount of time that’s passed since we last interacted, especially people who may very well still be in my ex’s circle.

I decided to check to see, and this person was still connected to my ex.

Instead of confirming or denying, I wrote a short message:

Hey So-and-so,

I haven’t heard from you in a long time. I apologize if this sounds brusque, but why the friend request?

Thanks,

James

I figured, hey, let’s see what happens. With the friends I have now, a lag of even a few weeks is usually addressed up front, even if it’s a simple acknowledgment and taking the time to catch up.

I hadn’t heard from this person in almost a year.

Here was the reply:

Because I’m obviously trying to pad my friend count.

I figured you were the kind of friend that could handle long absences. I don’t generally wipe people from my friend log once they’ve made it there. I’m sorry you apparently do.

I suppose that “have a nice life” would be a bit melodramatic at this point, so I’ll just use it passive aggressively.

If you’d like to accept, I still consider you a friend. If not, oh well.

There was a moment where I froze, but it didn’t last very long. I felt the same sickening thud I remember feeling when I’d be verbally accosted by my mother, whatever the reason…

This is a very historical sequence for me, but I (or something inside) did not allow me to dissociate, and I thought about what was going on.

In the past, I would have groveled and experienced an impossible situation, because of course, such a response would have meant that something was wrong with me.

In this case, however, all I did was ask a simple — and to my mind, very important — question. Nothing I did warranted that level of hostility, especially since it’s been almost a year since we last spoke.

It’s quite a relief to get a response like that, because this person answered the very question I had been asking myself: Do I want you as a friend?

Wherein I discuss an epiphany, a conversation, a dream…

And to Rich: I apologize for acting out the other night. I was experiencing a great deal of irritation and had not even attempted to process it before responding to you.

And regarding self-excoriation: I’m not trying to beat myself up for the past–I cannot change it; I simply want to recognize what this habit is costing me, especially in what’s been going on recently.

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The whole day today (and a few days prior to this one), I have had Huey Lewis and the News’ “If This Is It” running through my head. I sang what little I knew in the truck on the way back to the rental place.

This song has come in and out of my head over the course of this relationship, when we reached that point where it almost seemed like we might possibly break up… but didn’t.

She’s in her own place now, with roommates. She very clearly doesn’t like the fact that we did break up, but she’s been telling me that she knows it’s the right thing for the both of us.

Right now, I feel happy, but there’s a bit of a catch in my throat as it’s not a happiness for something gained or won… but it’s a happiness that’s borne out of escaping from a bad situation, so there’s a sadness for time, life, and heart lost.

I know that there’s more to come… but for the time being, I am very happy to just feel happy.

In a way, I was right to be afraid of Part II of Real-Time Relationships: The Logic of Love… and there is yet more to come, to be certain; however, no longer being able to hide from that fear is a bit of a relief. At least now, it has a name.

(I do understand that this is vague. This is intentional, for the time being. I may or may not expand upon this publicly. If you’re interested in further details, contact me privately or–better yet–pick up the book for yourself.)

I stand here now
Not broken, but re-broken
Made to see
How I have made others hurt.

Questions, questions, questions
What is real?
What is truth?
What is the reality of my world?

I tried to create everything
In such a manner so
As to make my life
Blameless.

Who does this benefit?
Who truly benefits from hiding?
Who truly benefits from running?
Follow the [money]!

I could almost forgive
Myself if I did not feel
That I was responsible
That it was my hand
That moved the knife.

Steeling myself against
The rising tides of
Screams that clamor
Unto me to

RUN AND HIDE

RUN AND HIDE

RUN AND HIDE

I cannot simply run
Nor shall I hide.

But now I see
My life spread out as
If there are
No distinctions
Between Past and Present.

This will be temporary
But it is necessary.

To Question everything
That I have done
That I have said
That I have decided.

To Question anything
That I see
That I hear
That I think.

To Compare to
Reality.
Logic.
Truth.

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