I had a double session at therapy today, and while I don’t really want to talk about everything that went on in the session, I can say that the 2-hour period of time was intense and fruitful!

I’m starting to get a sense of what parts compose me and the personalities therein. It’s still very difficult and I completely dissociated at least once during the session, but there is a character that I’ve met before, but only via a metaphorical visualization.

The metaphor was that of a wintry earth, lifeless on the surface, but containing underground denizens… and a core that was powerful and alive but not warming the planet.

Today I got to see this core, this powerful, central force. His feet are encased in cement, his wrists are bound with chains, and he has a large hook through his stomach.

How powerful must this character be to be so brutally bound?!

When the therapist would ask this part whether we could loose the chains, it would reply, “Take your time.” It did this several times until we both understood that it wanted me to make the decision… and I can only make that decision if people in the mecosystem are on board.

There’s definitely a part of me that wants to let this power, this central force and source of life and vitality, free! And I don’t get the sense from this power that he would destroy my life or run rampant, though that is certainly a fear that some of my parts have for sure.

This character/power is truly like magma or mantle in so many ways… he is a tremendously powerful source of energy… he creates mountains and landscapes… he erupts a volcano which initially destroys but enriches the area for new growth… he is tectonic; he is just about the most powerful thing on this planet.

There are also some deeply unconscious metaphors that resonate with this character, such as the hook in the stomach–a fish that swallows a hook will get it lodged in his belly and will be trapped–the hook will always be there for others to yank on. The power, the movement, the solidity of this character also evokes images of deep sea, large creatures, ages old…

The reason it was chained and bound and gutted is because the power it can wield was very dangerous to parents such as mine. Imagine all of the power represented by the earth’s core, and what shallow, reactionary, anxiety-managing machines such as my parents would do in the face of the full brunt of it?

I do not yet believe that this creature is loosed, but I do believe it will be loosed soon… and when it is… watch the fuck out.

I’ve been trying to answer this question for the past few days, and I find that I keep going over it again and again, which generally means that I’m missing something!

As it usually happens, once I admitted that to myself, I struck on the core of the issue, which I’d like to share with you.

When I think about this question, all of my answers revolve around my future wife and children. In earlier attempts at answering, I would set off on a tangent in an attempt to explain why it was only this and perhaps why I did not have anything with my career/work in there… and this is what I kept redoing.

When I finally realized I was retreading the same ground, it came to me that the reason my answers all had to do with my family is that it is the absolute most important goal in my life. If all I ever do with my life is have a relationship with my wife and children that is honorable, noble, honest, courageous, loving, beautiful, wonderful–everything that is sung about but rarely lived–then that will be a life well lived!

For me, vocational pursuits are incidental to that end, or a means to that goal, just like therapy.

It’s not that my career is unimportant, because I believe it will play a vital role in attracting the woman of my dreams, but it is not a thing in itself for me. It is not a pursuit that can possibly be separated from my life with my wife. In fact, it is wholly dependent on that relationship, and I generally view it through the context of such a life.

Of course, at this point in time, I am able to do things that I would not want to do if I was in a relationship–and they are things that I do now, such as working 60 hours in a week for several weeks at a time to get some extra cash. I may still elect to do this when I have found Mrs. Pyrich, but it doesn’t feel like it will be the same kind of decision.

So, to actually put forward answers to this question…

In a year, I hope to be done or pretty close to done with therapy. I also hope that I’ve successfully transitioned to voice acting or have put it to rest.

From one to two years, I hope to have met and started a romantic relationship with my wife-to-be.

From two to five years, I hope to get married and start working out the issues of sharing a life with somebody.

From five to ten years, I hope to have built a firm foundation of honesty, trust, respect, and courage with my wife so that we can have had a child, or (dare to dream) children.

I would like to put a few things into perspective here. First, I am turning 31 in less than a month. This means that the above timespans go all throughout my 30s, and that in ten years–by the time I’m nearly 41–I hope to be married with children.

I do not particularly relish the idea of being in my late 50s when my children are graduating high school and/or college, but it is way better than the alternatives of having had children in my 20s when I was woefully unready (and likely would have brought them great harm), or not ever having had children.

Another thing I would like to preemptively address is that I do not consider this to be an inviolate timeframe. It’s not like I will castigate myself as a failure if I am not finished with therapy in a year (of course, if I did, that would mean it’s time to go talk to my therapist ), nor will I refuse to get into a romantic relationship if I somehow meet the woman of my dreams in, say, June of this year.

This is not about making predictions or giving myself a standard with which to self-attack. This is about building my life to get what I want, and what I want the very very most is a wife and children.

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An additional note (a bit of a spoiler, perhaps…)

Something else that could have occurred if I had been successful early is I could have projected my “difficult” emotions onto those around me and caused harm to others, which would be an even worse fate…

As of today–actually, in about 4-5 hours or so–I will have been in Denver for a full year.

This move and living in Denver has been such a positive thing for me. This isn’t because of anything intrinsic to Denver, of course, but because of what being here represents to me.

It represents an increase in choice in my life.

I felt trapped in my previous job for lots of reasons. I felt so tired at the end of the day that all I wanted to do was collapse. I didn’t want to take the risk of quitting while I looked for a new job (although I managed to get by just fine after I was fired).

Getting fired was just making official what I had already done in my mind–I was totally not present at work, and I just didn’t care anymore.

While I was in a particularly thorny financial situation at the end of the year last year, I wasn’t willing to take just any job. I did not want a repeat of my last employment. Holding out for something I actually wanted (and working to figure out what I wanted) was essential to create and protect my happiness.

It certainly wasn’t guaranteed that I would find such a job, and I certainly came close to not having any cash or credit… but it did work out, and as far as it did work out, that represents an increase in choice.

The first therapist I met with this year was not well-chosen, but I found my current therapist through a long process of thinking about what it was that I wanted and needed from a therapist, and then taking an approach that I was familiar with to select the therapist.

I have made more conscious choices in 2009 than I have made in the past.

My next steps–whatever they may be–will continue that trend.

I am not quite that fanatical about bike riding just yet, but I highly recommend it if you can swing it.

Yes, there are some inconveniences, such as having to shower at work, frequently washing my bike clothes, making sure I have the appropriate food on-hand, and dealing with traffic, but the benefits I have found are:

• Exercise as a part of my lifestyle rather than something “extra” I have to go out of my way to do
• A break in the routine of get up/go to work/come home/sleep
• More restrictive diet, higher quality of food overall
• Health and comfort benefits:
  • Less pain in my lower back
  • Stronger leg muscles result in fewer knee problems
  • Increased leg and hip flexibility
• Most people in cars–not all, of course–smile at you
• Pedestrians usually smile at you
• That freakin’ endorphin rush after a particularly long or difficult ride
• Insights into my relationship with my body
• Insights into my FOO’s relationship with health and physicality
• A sort of community of cycling enthusiasts who are happy to help you out

This is something I have wanted to do for years! I haven’t really explored why it has taken me such a long time to actually get out and do this, but I think it has a lot to do with the relationships I have had over the years, both familial and romantic.

To say that these people were unsupportive would be missing the point entirely. In my family, there has pretty much always been an open hostility towards people who work on self-improvement. If you tried to eat better, you were mocked. If you tried to question commonly-held beliefs, you were derided. If you set a goal and failed, you were never allowed to forget your failure.

My romantic relationships grew out of that history, and thus I have never dated anyone who was fiercely supportive of me, who encouraged me to challenge myself, and whom I could trust with my life!

Of course, to have these things in somebody else, I must first work on them in myself… only then will a woman consent to provide ferocious support to me, because she knows she will receive that same level of support from me!

So, cycling brings a lot of things together for me. It’s not everything, of course, and I am still without a therapist to work on the other things in my life… but what I am also finding is that in working my body, my brain is starting to work again. The beast (which I do not believe I have mentioned before) is starting to stir, and wheels are starting to turn!

However, right now… it is time to relax.

For roughly the past decade, I’ve owned two filing cabinets which I’ve filled up every year or two with a bunch of paperwork, including utility bills, bank statements, insurance documents, etc.

In a conversation with Mrs. O last night, we stumbled upon an interesting question: do I really need all of these documents? Why do I carry them all with me? After all, I am 30 years old, do I really need, for example, cable bills from 2001?

So tonight I started emptying them. Roughly 75% of it I was able to throw away immediately, but there wasn’t just “business” stuff in there. There was also some memorabilia from my trip to Europe and birthday/Christmas cards that I had saved and forgotten about.

As I flipped through these cards, I began to feel sadness… and for a little while I thought I missed these people–my family, some friends… but as I went through, it felt less like missing them and more it felt like complete loneliness… and back during the years I was revisiting–1997 through 2001–I did feel completely and utterly alone. What I might have missed–if it can even be called that–was the care and love of my family and friends who at best did nothing to help and at worst kept me in that place of loneliness and despair.

The primary reason I know it wasn’t because I missed them was because my feelings didn’t dissipate but instead grew more intense. When I realized I was feeling despair, the feeling diminished.

During a drive yesterday (THIS is why I need a voice recorder with me 24/7):

We do not guarantee that you will become sane.
We do not guarantee that you will become insane.
We make absolutely no guarantees; did you think Stef had any guarantees in CT?

Somehow, I found this comforting.

The conjunction of a recent premium podcast and part 3 on a series on depression (1 2) got me thinking…

I had to take a walk, just to get out.

It was about an hour, and I gotta tell ya… now my computers sound really, REALLY loud.

Of course, there’s so little going on around here after midnight. I could hear birds–owls?–as well as men holding quiet conversations over 100ft away. If I had been interested in eavesdropping, I probably could have.

But no… I was feeling anxiety, and anger, and … well, at least that much. I was beginning to think of the call between G and N. I realized that nobody gives me much feedback. Not that I don’t ever receive any, but I rarely get feedback from others as a general rule.

So the question that comes to my mind is, what am I missing? What am I blind to? What am I avoiding, and what am I withholding?

The other thoughts and feelings that were provoked by the depression series–especially the last one–was this realization that I’ve been living so small… and what would I do to make it big? Well, part of me knows, or at least has an idea, I think.

I’m also feeling some anxiety and irritation in the wake of depression part 3… like I’m being told to do something, and I just rankle against being told to do anything.

I don’t know if that’s all of it, and of course, I’m sure I’m missing something… but what?

I avoid, I withdraw, I disappear… I stay small, I don’t grow, I remain in pain, I don’t take care… so… what is it that I am missing? What am I blind to?

[Edited to add] – I didn’t explicitly ask for feedback originally but I was wondering if anyone had any thoughts? If you do, let’s have a skype chat about it.

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