I occasionally get friend requests on facebook from people I haven’t spoken to in a long time. Normally, I am pretty clear on whether I want to engage that person, but if I’m not, in the past I’ve added them to see what happens.

Usually, I end up removing them anyway.

So, today, I got a friend request on facebook from somebody I haven’t spoken to since I ended my last relationship.

I wasn’t sure, and I’m a little leery of people just adding me out of the blue with no reference to the amount of time that’s passed since we last interacted, especially people who may very well still be in my ex’s circle.

I decided to check to see, and this person was still connected to my ex.

Instead of confirming or denying, I wrote a short message:

Hey So-and-so,

I haven’t heard from you in a long time. I apologize if this sounds brusque, but why the friend request?

Thanks,

James

I figured, hey, let’s see what happens. With the friends I have now, a lag of even a few weeks is usually addressed up front, even if it’s a simple acknowledgment and taking the time to catch up.

I hadn’t heard from this person in almost a year.

Here was the reply:

Because I’m obviously trying to pad my friend count.

I figured you were the kind of friend that could handle long absences. I don’t generally wipe people from my friend log once they’ve made it there. I’m sorry you apparently do.

I suppose that “have a nice life” would be a bit melodramatic at this point, so I’ll just use it passive aggressively.

If you’d like to accept, I still consider you a friend. If not, oh well.

There was a moment where I froze, but it didn’t last very long. I felt the same sickening thud I remember feeling when I’d be verbally accosted by my mother, whatever the reason…

This is a very historical sequence for me, but I (or something inside) did not allow me to dissociate, and I thought about what was going on.

In the past, I would have groveled and experienced an impossible situation, because of course, such a response would have meant that something was wrong with me.

In this case, however, all I did was ask a simple — and to my mind, very important — question. Nothing I did warranted that level of hostility, especially since it’s been almost a year since we last spoke.

It’s quite a relief to get a response like that, because this person answered the very question I had been asking myself: Do I want you as a friend?

A former classmate of mine who I’ve not seen for at least 11 or 12 years at this point has kicked it. The only information I have is that he died a week ago last Saturday.

I never really cared much for the kid… to tell the truth, he was a colossal asshole. I don’t have any feelings either way that he’s gone since it’s been years upon years since I last saw him.

It’s kind of funny, actually… earlier today or the day before, I was musing about death in general. It wasn’t morbid or anything, it was just a sense that the time we have on earth is both long and short. Even if it were a million years in duration, if my existence has an end, it is precious to me.

I have to admit that it was very surprising to read the comments on the obit for this guy. Now, this is a Christian community, so I don’t know if that has anything to do with anything. But I have to wonder… the comments that these people are leaving… they’re essentially without substance. They’re practically content-free (“I’ll always remember his smile.” Liar.). At first, I was thinking, “gee, did this guy change or something since I knew him last?” Upon reflection, my guess is that he probably didn’t, but there’s some sort of twisted death-worship that’s going on in which one is not supposed to speak ill of the dead.

Here’s the way I see it: the guy had absolutely no respect for me when we were in middle school and high school together. I am absolutely pleased to reciprocate insofar as he doesn’t deserve any of my respect, either. Furthermore, I’m not sure that I need to be guarding my words for the sake of those that might be grieving (not that any of those people will end up reading this). The reason for this is that this guy came out of a specific environment, one in which his acting out against me would have likely been infused in his personality from his parents and older siblings (if he had any). Am I supposed to have “respect” for the feelings of those people who turned out an individual so twisted that he predated on his peers? I tend to doubt that they’ll have any respect for my feelings regarding how he treated me.

This guy I know claims that working in customer service has numbed him to other people. This is his response to the statement that “you might have to shoot somebody if you become a cop.”

But the way he says it… I don’t think he really believes it. It’s an incredibly uncomfortable truth, and he’s got to attempt to numb nimself to the truth somehow, to try to forget it. He started to talk about some martial art, at which point I just took my leave of the conversation. What have I to say to this person anymore?

It’s sad, because I’ll occasionally think, hey, I’d like to talk to him, but… there’s that old chestnut of him signing up to be a state thug. We have this long history… but I can’t say that I ever saw this in him. He used to be interested in weather and was looking to go for a meteorology degree. Perhaps it was a long shot, but he just gave up along the way… and he kept giving up. All of the jobs he’s held… he’s almost 30 and he’s still living with his insane mother and impotent father. His application to the state police sounds like he’s continuing to just give up on life.

I don’t know how many more conversations we’ll have left. I really don’t want to discuss martial arts disciplines. I don’t want to hear about the guy he pulled over who cussed him out. I don’t want to hear about the politics, the mindgames, the… thuggery.

I can’t stop him. I know I can’t. But what I can do is withhold sanction regarding a relationship with him.

I guess that the bottom line is, keeping in touch with him will not make me happy.