In therapy today, a cop character appeared, with the expression, “Move along. Nothing to see here.”

Whenever this is said in the movies, there is almost certainly something to be seen! The implications of this are two-fold:

• There is something grisly to behold and the cop is protecting innocent civilians from having to witness the horror; or
• More than likely there is something extremely important going on that citizens ought to know about but the cop, in his corruption, is engaging in a coverup.

Tonight, in discussing my thoughts and feelings about therapy today, the familiar thoughtfeeling of isolation arose. The fact that it arose within me triggered a red flag and I began to explore it in the context of therapy.

Three major fables came to mind:

• The black sheep (whose fleece is prized [this part I added but it makes sense])
• The ugly duckling (who grows into a swan)
• Cinderella (who is married by the prince)

The cop was hiding the meaning behind these fables as well as the grisly remains of the attack that brought the meaning of these fables into being, so even in the Mecosystem, he serves that dual purpose mentioned above (though I would not use the term “corruption” here in the same sense as above, but in the sense that this part is corrupted from whatever his primary purpose might be).

To me, the meaning of these fables is as such:

• You are specially hideous.
• You are deserving of abuse.
• You have or can produce great value or beauty.
• One day you will realize that through no effort of your own.

Of course, these fables are total mind-fucks. An abuser that praises you for your potential is merely setting you up so he or she can abuse you again.

Furthermore, the beauty–if it is even true–is not guaranteed.

Also, the fable instructs that you are the only one in the entire universe who is cast in this way. This is simply not true given the resonance that these fables have among people.

Finally, one of the major lessons of the fable is that good can come out of abuse, which is a blindness wrought by ignoring the awful costs.

So whenever I think about isolation, I tend to think externally… but tonight I gained a new perspective on this: it is not possible for me to not feel isolated socially if I am currently feeling isolated internally. I have certainly experienced isolation internally, whether it be a single voice or simply a feeling of a void or an emptiness.

In truth, the multiplicity has always been there but I’ve rarely–if ever–been conscious of it until relatively recently.

It was this that the cop was hiding–the grisly remains of the attack, but also the truth behind them–the “specialness” was a lie constructed to keep me isolated and alone, even within myself.

There may be more to be shown and explored but I thought I would share this much with you.

Ciao!

I had a double session at therapy today, and while I don’t really want to talk about everything that went on in the session, I can say that the 2-hour period of time was intense and fruitful!

I’m starting to get a sense of what parts compose me and the personalities therein. It’s still very difficult and I completely dissociated at least once during the session, but there is a character that I’ve met before, but only via a metaphorical visualization.

The metaphor was that of a wintry earth, lifeless on the surface, but containing underground denizens… and a core that was powerful and alive but not warming the planet.

Today I got to see this core, this powerful, central force. His feet are encased in cement, his wrists are bound with chains, and he has a large hook through his stomach.

How powerful must this character be to be so brutally bound?!

When the therapist would ask this part whether we could loose the chains, it would reply, “Take your time.” It did this several times until we both understood that it wanted me to make the decision… and I can only make that decision if people in the mecosystem are on board.

There’s definitely a part of me that wants to let this power, this central force and source of life and vitality, free! And I don’t get the sense from this power that he would destroy my life or run rampant, though that is certainly a fear that some of my parts have for sure.

This character/power is truly like magma or mantle in so many ways… he is a tremendously powerful source of energy… he creates mountains and landscapes… he erupts a volcano which initially destroys but enriches the area for new growth… he is tectonic; he is just about the most powerful thing on this planet.

There are also some deeply unconscious metaphors that resonate with this character, such as the hook in the stomach–a fish that swallows a hook will get it lodged in his belly and will be trapped–the hook will always be there for others to yank on. The power, the movement, the solidity of this character also evokes images of deep sea, large creatures, ages old…

The reason it was chained and bound and gutted is because the power it can wield was very dangerous to parents such as mine. Imagine all of the power represented by the earth’s core, and what shallow, reactionary, anxiety-managing machines such as my parents would do in the face of the full brunt of it?

I do not yet believe that this creature is loosed, but I do believe it will be loosed soon… and when it is… watch the fuck out.

I’ve been trying to answer this question for the past few days, and I find that I keep going over it again and again, which generally means that I’m missing something!

As it usually happens, once I admitted that to myself, I struck on the core of the issue, which I’d like to share with you.

When I think about this question, all of my answers revolve around my future wife and children. In earlier attempts at answering, I would set off on a tangent in an attempt to explain why it was only this and perhaps why I did not have anything with my career/work in there… and this is what I kept redoing.

When I finally realized I was retreading the same ground, it came to me that the reason my answers all had to do with my family is that it is the absolute most important goal in my life. If all I ever do with my life is have a relationship with my wife and children that is honorable, noble, honest, courageous, loving, beautiful, wonderful–everything that is sung about but rarely lived–then that will be a life well lived!

For me, vocational pursuits are incidental to that end, or a means to that goal, just like therapy.

It’s not that my career is unimportant, because I believe it will play a vital role in attracting the woman of my dreams, but it is not a thing in itself for me. It is not a pursuit that can possibly be separated from my life with my wife. In fact, it is wholly dependent on that relationship, and I generally view it through the context of such a life.

Of course, at this point in time, I am able to do things that I would not want to do if I was in a relationship–and they are things that I do now, such as working 60 hours in a week for several weeks at a time to get some extra cash. I may still elect to do this when I have found Mrs. Pyrich, but it doesn’t feel like it will be the same kind of decision.

So, to actually put forward answers to this question…

In a year, I hope to be done or pretty close to done with therapy. I also hope that I’ve successfully transitioned to voice acting or have put it to rest.

From one to two years, I hope to have met and started a romantic relationship with my wife-to-be.

From two to five years, I hope to get married and start working out the issues of sharing a life with somebody.

From five to ten years, I hope to have built a firm foundation of honesty, trust, respect, and courage with my wife so that we can have had a child, or (dare to dream) children.

I would like to put a few things into perspective here. First, I am turning 31 in less than a month. This means that the above timespans go all throughout my 30s, and that in ten years–by the time I’m nearly 41–I hope to be married with children.

I do not particularly relish the idea of being in my late 50s when my children are graduating high school and/or college, but it is way better than the alternatives of having had children in my 20s when I was woefully unready (and likely would have brought them great harm), or not ever having had children.

Another thing I would like to preemptively address is that I do not consider this to be an inviolate timeframe. It’s not like I will castigate myself as a failure if I am not finished with therapy in a year (of course, if I did, that would mean it’s time to go talk to my therapist ), nor will I refuse to get into a romantic relationship if I somehow meet the woman of my dreams in, say, June of this year.

This is not about making predictions or giving myself a standard with which to self-attack. This is about building my life to get what I want, and what I want the very very most is a wife and children.

Download MP3
49.0M 35:44

An additional note (a bit of a spoiler, perhaps…)

Something else that could have occurred if I had been successful early is I could have projected my “difficult” emotions onto those around me and caused harm to others, which would be an even worse fate…

New Trusted Content: Next Step(s)

As of today–actually, in about 4-5 hours or so–I will have been in Denver for a full year.

This move and living in Denver has been such a positive thing for me. This isn’t because of anything intrinsic to Denver, of course, but because of what being here represents to me.

It represents an increase in choice in my life.

I felt trapped in my previous job for lots of reasons. I felt so tired at the end of the day that all I wanted to do was collapse. I didn’t want to take the risk of quitting while I looked for a new job (although I managed to get by just fine after I was fired).

Getting fired was just making official what I had already done in my mind–I was totally not present at work, and I just didn’t care anymore.

While I was in a particularly thorny financial situation at the end of the year last year, I wasn’t willing to take just any job. I did not want a repeat of my last employment. Holding out for something I actually wanted (and working to figure out what I wanted) was essential to create and protect my happiness.

It certainly wasn’t guaranteed that I would find such a job, and I certainly came close to not having any cash or credit… but it did work out, and as far as it did work out, that represents an increase in choice.

The first therapist I met with this year was not well-chosen, but I found my current therapist through a long process of thinking about what it was that I wanted and needed from a therapist, and then taking an approach that I was familiar with to select the therapist.

I have made more conscious choices in 2009 than I have made in the past.

My next steps–whatever they may be–will continue that trend.

Mornin’

It’s been five weeks since I had surgery–so far, so good! Everything is as it should be, which is all I can really ask for.

A lot of my time has been consumed with work, but that is due to me taking an offer from my boss to make up for the time I won’t be working later this year.

Now that I have the boring bits out of the way…

I’ve made some changes to my diet. After watching a video and reading the transcript of an interview about the science behind obesity, I’ve decided to cut carbohydrates as much as I can, especially grains.

Here’s the first video by Dr. Gary Taubes:

And here’s the transcript of an interview:

Gary Taubes, interviewed by Seth Roberts November 30, 2007 from Seth’s blog

Now, there’s a part of me which says, “of course you’re going to latch onto this diet–you’re obese and desperate to lose weight!” Well… yeah, that’s true, to a point. But I did start eating this way about 7 years ago for about 5 or 6 months and my weight dropped to 240lbs, and I never felt healthier.

However, the woman I was dating at the time was a pretty cold-hearted person and pretty much undermined my food strategy, and I had no support from my friends or family.

I mean, they had to have noticed how healthy I looked as I lost the weight, and nobody said a damn thing to me when I started putting it back on.

In 2003, I was not in a stable place in life. It is pretty difficult to do anything long-term in the realm of self-improvement when the sands around you are constantly shifting, and I would remain unstable for several years.

My peak weight was probably over 310lbs in 2007/2008. I lost some weight (down to the 280s) when I cut normal soda out of my diet without making any other changes. Now, I am down to the mid-260s (I weighed in at 266lbs right before my surgery, which was probably due to an overall decrease in calories, which is part of why I needed surgery), which means I am about 25lbs from my weight in 2003, which, incidentally, was my weight when I graduated high school.

Granted, I was probably just at the level of obesity then, but how many people can say that they have returned to their high school weight more than a decade after college?

I’ve never been at a sustained healthy weight as an adult, but my feeling is that it is somewhere in the 180-200lbs range. Being 6′3″ with (I assume) a moderate-to-large frame, it might be in the upper end of that range… but of course, it’s not the number as much as how I look and feel and how my habits effect my weight that will determine the “resting zone” (so to speak) of my body weight.

And yes, Virginia, James will be exercising. I’ve been restricted in part due to the surgery (I still have stitches!) and in part due to working a lot. I do find that exercise becomes far more enjoyable the less I weigh, especially walking around, and I’m prepared to take advantage of whatever nice weather we have this winter.

Finally, the best for last: I believe I have found my therapist! I have my first therapy session this coming Monday. I found that when I approached it as me interviewing her for a job that the questions I wanted to ask came quite easily.

[edited to add] – I had my first appointment with this therapist and it was quite nice; we did some body work and I have to say that I much prefer this approach to all the other therapists I’ve encountered–we’re not discussing content but working with form.

New awarenesses:

• The distance between now and 1979
• Carrying an intergenerational burden
• The degree of tension in my back
• The imbalance of tension in my back

I won’t promise a report like this every therapy session; I just wanted to put these out there since it was so novel and so nice.

Hey, I just wanted to post a follow-up from my last post!

That one will still remain as Trusted Content, so if you want to read it, please sign up for an account and leave a comment on this entry and I’ll upgrade you.

So!

My surgery went pretty well, was in the OR for 35 minutes (came out 10 minutes early) and was awake by 11:45. I was super-alert pretty quickly and chatty like nobody’s business!

As it turns out, the injury that was repaired was pretty close to as good as it could get, so this is good in terms of prognosis and in terms of recovery time. I’m also experiencing some discomfort and pain, but not a huge amount, and I wasn’t even experiencing any serious throbbing or pain this morning when I got up (I took a vicodin anyway; it had been 7 hours and I didn’t want to get blindsided).

They gave me a list of some post-op care procedures, which I intend to follow to the letter.

Other than that, I’m feeling pretty dang good, certainly a lot better than Thursday.

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