As Thanksgiving approaches, my memories turn to times that, on the balance, were pretty stressful and unhappy. There were a few good things here and there, but most of my memories around this time of year involved my mother taking me and my brother to her parents’ house, separated from our father… and we would spend hours there, waiting for food, sometimes hungry, often bored… sometimes there would be fighting amongst the adults, always tension…

I would love to be able to go to that scene and enjoy it with people who were kind, caring, loved me and each other, and had that simple contentment of spending time with loved ones–you know, the scene trotted out by every damn Christmas special out there–but the reality is that most people don’t appear to like their families very much… there’s stress and tension and frustration and old wounds and humiliations and anger and sorrow… we’re supposed to be eating turkey, not bathing in cortisol!

The problem is that people want to sweep all of that under the rug… but then it never gets dealt with. Ever try to be honest in a setting where conformity to the fucking Hallmark card is the rule? It’s devastating, and you stuff your face because there’s nothing else to do–unless you want to get into a shouting match with somebody.

This year, I am alone. I tried inviting people but no such luck this time–perhaps next year will be different in this way.

I have no desire to get together with people for the sake of getting together with them… if holidays are meant to be about togetherness, then I will make them be about togetherness. If there isn’t anyone I can currently be together with, then I will be together with myself at least.

Incidentally, I do believe this is the first year that I can honestly say I am together with myself.

It has been an awful long time since i wrote anything substantial in this blog, and why the hell not?

The title of this blog, “Personal Archaeology,” is meant to indicate self-exploration and discovery… and I have been doing just that.

It’s just that… well… I have been spending time doing much more than writing or talking about it. Over the past year, I have started acting, I have been in therapy almost this entire time, and I have gained some really valuable friendships.

I am still doing my day job, of course, and will likely be doing it for a while. I am still pretty good at what I do and I don’t have any particular complaints about where I am, but I am still at a point where I don’t see it having much of a future for me, personally. That perspective (or lack thereof) has only solidified with the foray into acting!

So far, I have appeared in a couple of student films, one as an extra, the other as a pretty major speaking role. I’m looking forward to more work, of course, but I am quite happy with my progress so far. Apparently, I’m not that bad of an actor! I study and understand and can convey the characters, at least according to my last director and his teachers who have reviewed some of the footage

Dietarily, I’m still at around 250lbs. I’ve bounced up and down and around it, but I’m still in this ballpark. I think that has a lot to do with “cheating,” though–I’ve not been stalwart against Foods I Should Not Eat… and really, I don’t want to have to take that stance.

That said, wheat is bad news for me. I hadn’t had wheat for a few weeks until yesterday, and over the past 24 hours I have experienced a few breakouts, the corner of a rash that had been slowly healing turned bright red, and my bottom is irritated.

When it comes to food, sometimes I feel like one of those toy robots that runs into the walls outside the front of the toy stores in the mall. I mean, I really want to break that rule I have set up for myself: no wheat, no bread, no pizza, no etc., etc.

And I totally understand that there are alternatives… but if you know anything about these kinds of things, either from experience or closely knowing somebody who’s experienced it, then you know that the alternatives are relatively poor.

Also, there is more to wheat than gluten (this is covered in-depth elsewhere) and nearly all of the alternatives (certainly anything resembling a grain) has most–if not all–of the same issues as wheat, though it is probably gluten itself that is the main factor in the issues I’ve been experiencing.

So anyway… therapy! Holy crap, therapy… alright.

My experience of therapy and my experience of others who have spent time with a good therapist informs me that everybody should see a therapist…