I really notice–feel, even–the quickening darkness of the end of summer.

I have even noticed it this year, and noticed as well the conjunction of depressive-type feelings arising here.

I made the decision to separate in early August, and carried it out by the beginning of September.

I have definitely noticed this pattern before, with depression starting a little before the fall, and dangerously deepening in the thick of winter, with reprieve being granted by the painstaking stretching of daylight, like a old tendon that’s not been moved for ages.

In the past, of course, I had several otherwise well-meaning people attempt to solve this problem for me. (“It sounds like you have Seasonal Affective Disorder. You should buy a sunlamp.”)

I never actually tried the sunlamp, though I did try other suggestions–the vast majority of which, by the way, did nothing to even alleviate symptoms, much less act as a cure.

What I really needed was a listener. I needed to be heard, to express my feelings–happy, sad, angry, afraid. I may still need to address a seasonal affliction, but it was never the highest priority to address.

It’s as if I had internal bleeding and some sort of rare lymph disorder… sure, the lymph disorder may be causing some problems but if the doctors don’t sort out the internal bleeding, I am going to die.

And, of course, this is what happens when you rely on the urban dictionary equivalent of WebMD.

With all that said, I find it really interesting that I’m noticing this minor depression of my mood now. After all, I’ve been in therapy for 8 months now, and while I’m not saying I’m cured, I’ve definitely made tremendous progress in self-knowledge. I’ve also spent nearly three years in non-contact with my family, which has proven to be a very healthy decision.

It could be something historical, something about how school would start in September, or something equally (or more) traumatic that I just don’t remember but is stored in my unconscious memories… or it could be a sensitivity to light! Without knowing more about myself, it’s really not possible for me to draw a conclusion.

Even if I don’t know why this is occurring for me, I can at least take note that it is occurring and be aware of how it affects me–most notably, I can probably expect to have less tolerance for negative stimuli and so can expect to feel frustration and irritation more quickly… and so I can then adjust my environment to help prevent these outcomes. In the past, without that knowledge (and in the more distant past, without any effective power), I would end up grinding down into depression, deeper and deeper, because without the knowledge (and power) I simply could not effect any change, or the change would be random and temporary.

I have been making progress with noticing in the moment when I’m feeling frustrated or irritated; I still end up acting out but I am able to catch it before it goes on for too long.

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