I occasionally get friend requests on facebook from people I haven’t spoken to in a long time. Normally, I am pretty clear on whether I want to engage that person, but if I’m not, in the past I’ve added them to see what happens.

Usually, I end up removing them anyway.

So, today, I got a friend request on facebook from somebody I haven’t spoken to since I ended my last relationship.

I wasn’t sure, and I’m a little leery of people just adding me out of the blue with no reference to the amount of time that’s passed since we last interacted, especially people who may very well still be in my ex’s circle.

I decided to check to see, and this person was still connected to my ex.

Instead of confirming or denying, I wrote a short message:

Hey So-and-so,

I haven’t heard from you in a long time. I apologize if this sounds brusque, but why the friend request?

Thanks,

James

I figured, hey, let’s see what happens. With the friends I have now, a lag of even a few weeks is usually addressed up front, even if it’s a simple acknowledgment and taking the time to catch up.

I hadn’t heard from this person in almost a year.

Here was the reply:

Because I’m obviously trying to pad my friend count.

I figured you were the kind of friend that could handle long absences. I don’t generally wipe people from my friend log once they’ve made it there. I’m sorry you apparently do.

I suppose that “have a nice life” would be a bit melodramatic at this point, so I’ll just use it passive aggressively.

If you’d like to accept, I still consider you a friend. If not, oh well.

There was a moment where I froze, but it didn’t last very long. I felt the same sickening thud I remember feeling when I’d be verbally accosted by my mother, whatever the reason…

This is a very historical sequence for me, but I (or something inside) did not allow me to dissociate, and I thought about what was going on.

In the past, I would have groveled and experienced an impossible situation, because of course, such a response would have meant that something was wrong with me.

In this case, however, all I did was ask a simple — and to my mind, very important — question. Nothing I did warranted that level of hostility, especially since it’s been almost a year since we last spoke.

It’s quite a relief to get a response like that, because this person answered the very question I had been asking myself: Do I want you as a friend?

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