The conjunction of a recent premium podcast and part 3 on a series on depression (1 2) got me thinking…

I had to take a walk, just to get out.

It was about an hour, and I gotta tell ya… now my computers sound really, REALLY loud.

Of course, there’s so little going on around here after midnight. I could hear birds–owls?–as well as men holding quiet conversations over 100ft away. If I had been interested in eavesdropping, I probably could have.

But no… I was feeling anxiety, and anger, and … well, at least that much. I was beginning to think of the call between G and N. I realized that nobody gives me much feedback. Not that I don’t ever receive any, but I rarely get feedback from others as a general rule.

So the question that comes to my mind is, what am I missing? What am I blind to? What am I avoiding, and what am I withholding?

The other thoughts and feelings that were provoked by the depression series–especially the last one–was this realization that I’ve been living so small… and what would I do to make it big? Well, part of me knows, or at least has an idea, I think.

I’m also feeling some anxiety and irritation in the wake of depression part 3… like I’m being told to do something, and I just rankle against being told to do anything.

I don’t know if that’s all of it, and of course, I’m sure I’m missing something… but what?

I avoid, I withdraw, I disappear… I stay small, I don’t grow, I remain in pain, I don’t take care… so… what is it that I am missing? What am I blind to?

[Edited to add] – I didn’t explicitly ask for feedback originally but I was wondering if anyone had any thoughts? If you do, let’s have a skype chat about it.

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