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It just occurred to me that people who try to hide their feelings are actually pretty creepy.

And I would include myself in this category for the moment, but not because I feel creepy so much as what it must be like for others to encounter it. What’s going on when i’m trying to hide my feelings?

Obviously, as a kid, I had to do this in order to avoid getting assaulted… but just the general principle where you feel like you have to hide your feelings…

And the problem isn’t that you decide upon “appropriate” displays of emotion, I don’t think… it’s that when you get to the point of hiding your emotions from others, they still find a way to come out, to manifest themselves.

This occurred to me when i got a reply to an email this morning and I don’t think I could really say what it was the sender of this email was feeling.

In any case, I think back to when I was a kid… and my father was a big “fan” of hiding his feelings until they spilled over as rage. I’m not saying it was something he enjoyed but it was certainly something that worked for him, something that was better for him than facing whatever feelings he was bottling in.

Oh and of course… my mother’s the same way, really. She doesn’t express nor explore her feelings but tries to hide them until she also spills over with rage.

So, in my experience, if somebody is hiding their feelings from themselves, they’re actually quite dangerous… or, at the very least, unstable.

And of course… the more access I have to my emotions, the more of a threat I become to my parents, even as a little kid. Not that I had any means at my disposal to threaten them but my raw emotional experiences threatened their tenuous grasp on the lid that bottled their own feelings of pain, anger, fear, and sadness. So… they attacked me for it.

I’ve been noticing more lately, in slight degrees, just how other people hide their feelings… and I’m starting to see it within myself.

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8 Comments »

Comment by sephethus

2008-09-11 14:13:56

Well, I have to ask you, why is it that you don't want to talk to or share with me about what you experienced since and when we last talked? You don't have to of course, I'm just really curious and I've felt a lot of anxiety around this - but I have not been wanting to put any responsibility on you for my anxiety which is one reason I've been afraid to ask anymore. I've just sort of been sitting with these feelings.

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Comment by James Pyrich

2008-09-11 15:23:14

Nate, I am feeling anger when I read your comment. I'm experiencing it as you telling me that I am being a hypocrite for not adhering to my own standards. This could be true, of course... but I think you misunderstood my post.

In my post, I was talking about those people who continue to interact with you but who hide their true feelings. I would not consider people who disengage completely as being in that same category, or else I would have to consider myself creepy for not sharing my feelings with my abusive family members.

But, we can accept your premise that I am hiding my feelings from you. So, either you agree with what I said, or you disagree.

If you agree with what I said, then you should find me pretty creepy--doubly so because I am a flaming hypocrite. In that case, why would you want to get close to a creepy hypocrite?

If you disagree with what I said, then you should not be bothered by the fact that I am hiding my feelings and thus would not have any interest in what it is I am feeling.

So... why did you post that comment?

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Comment by Joey

2008-09-11 16:23:00

I would add another factor to what makes people creepy. Creepy people don't just hide their feelings, they do an irrational act because they hide their feelings and then BLAME that irrational act because they were supposedly experiencing the said emotion. That addition there is what makes people creepy.

Perhaps I'm wrong, but I did find a few examples where you seems to have trouble accessing some feelings, like our last comment exchange about your brother. This struck me, because previously when you talked about these issues you indicated through your post that the emotions were being expressed, where as they're not when you bring up the issue again. Does that sound about right?

Also, everyone has difficulties with accessing and expressing their emotions properly. It is the creepy people who don't acknowledge this and continue to be abusive.

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Comment by sephethus

2008-09-12 08:31:53

Admittedly, and ironically I think my strong feelings of frustration and anxiety with this came across in my comment, I'm sorry, I should have talked about that. I do agree with what Joey is saying. I don't think you are creepy or a hypocrite at all, nor could you possibly be hiding any feelings from me since we haven't even spoken until now. I'm just curious as to why. I'm actually feeling quite terrified at this point in asking that question.

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Comment by James Pyrich

2008-09-12 10:16:44

Why do you feel terrified? I'm not saying you shouldn't be--given at least one interaction that comes to mind, you could have every reason to feel that way.

I had a conversation--or, more accurately, my Inner Critic had a conversation with Stef last night. We started off with the fact that I have been avoiding therapy, but of course that wasn't what it was about.

I hope it gets released as a podcast soon, because part of me thinks that it could apply to this situation.

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Comment by sephethus

2008-09-17 09:29:35

I am back and partially online, power is still out at home.

I have been thinking about this throughout my whole trip through west Texas and the days following where I've had nothing to do but think and feel.

I know one thing is true though, I don't think these feelings are necessarily about you and I definitely know that you aren't the cause of them. I mean, how could you be, all that has happened is that you have chosen not to engage with me.

I think what I am terrified of are the conclusions I draw from that. Two of which have been "I'm worthless." and "I'm a bad person." Those are some very old conclusions of course, which is why it has nothing to do with you. You have your reasons why, but I think what is even more ironic about my first comment is that though I did not want to and tried not to imply that you were a hypocrite, you still managed to infer that which I think came across because of that projection.

I'm the hypocrite in this situation I think, I was not being completely honest with the first comment but I didn't take my own advice from a recent post on my LJ, to always ask myself what the goal of my interaction is and what do I expect from it, etc.. It's hard to ask myself that every single time.

I think my goal was to get absolution from you. If you told me what I wanted to hear then I wouldn't have to feel the emotional pain that comes from the conclusions I continue to make about myself. I apologize for that. I should have taken the time to ask myself these questions and then perhaps I could have at least spoken a lot more honestly.

What do you think?

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Comment by Joey

2008-09-12 11:39:35

James, glad you had that conversation with Stef. If it gets published I will be sure to check it out. Do you think you have uncovered anything with the conversations between you, me, Nate, and Stef thus far?

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Comment by James Pyrich

2008-09-12 18:23:11

Tell me what you think:

FDR 1149 - Inner Critic Role Play

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