I kept seeing goarmy.com commercials on television while watching the Discovery Channel… and they kept talking about being strong and army strong and all that business… well.

I came up with the following:

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0.3M 0:22

Please give the songs I uploaded another listen if you like. I got some new equipment and the recording is more than 100% improved:

What Is Man?
Saturday “Serenade”

Last night, while washing the dishes, I saw something dart across the floor out of the corner of my right eye. It moved very much like I would imagine a mouse would move… gah!

Today, I informed the management association that I have a mouse and then went to buy a trap. I briefly considered looking for a live-catch trap but to be completely honest, it’s a freakin’ mouse.

However, I saw the little guy face to face tonight while cleaning some things up that have been lying against the wall for quite some time now. I think that this mouse was camping out in my bedroom! I don’t know how long he’s been around, though the fact that I used to have a cat living in this apartment tells me that it probably moved in sometime after the cat moved out.

I did feel a moment of compassion for the little beast… but at the end of the day… it’s a freakin’ mouse. So I moved the trap into the bedroom and set the cardboard up so that there are no byways against the wall. I’m hoping that we can have an expired mouse shortly and that he’s a loner.

Saturday afternoon “Serenade”

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1.6M 2:19

I’m not quite skillful enough to play this all live… this is three tracks mixed together.

I’ve been pondering the idea of a song based on On Truth for a while, but the songs usually came out very angry. Not that the anger isn’t justified in some way, but if it’s coming out unconsciously like that, that’s not something I want to release… I want any music I produce to inform, not inflict.

I came up with some lyrics to another tune that talk about the “tyranny of illusion” and I think that one has potential, but it’s still a work in progress.

I came up with this tune on Tuesday after a chat where Stef and another board member were discussing a possible style to the lyrics that this particular member had written. Stef was suggesting something bluesy, specifically something like John Lee Hooker.

I noticed that it was in a major key but was so, so sad… the tune I came up with is kind of an inversion. It’s minor, but it’s not so completely sad as minor keys are wont to be.

I’m calling it, for now, “What Is Man?”

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0.7M 0:59

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22.3M 32:33

I was writing tonight (a distinct departure from my activities most nights) and, in writing about an early childhood experience, I found that I was defending my mother in the actions that she took. When I realized this, I started to feel anger… and this anger began to increase, and it kept increasing even as I continued to write. My writing grew more rapid and pointed and more difficult to read until finally I wrote this:

Immediately upon writing this, I felt deep sorrow and just went with it… and then I began to see how this thread runs throughout my life and just about everybody I’ve been close to.

And lately, I’ve been doing just about everything but the most obvious thing, in just about all of the areas I want to address.

Now, being 29 and having been in FDR for over a year now, that’s mea culpa. It’s not like this is a unique revelation to myself, but it’s just about the first time in my life that it has ever become anything remotely approaching emotional relevance for me…

Thanks for reading.

Greg pointed out to me that my post late last night (Searching for Therapy) rang of an emotional trap.

I’ve been feeling pretty depressed lately and hopeless and frustrated and angry and a whole bunch of “negative” emotions. I think that it could be my work situation, it could be the therapist thing, it could be a number of things… but I haven’t sat down to ask myself exactly why.

I don’t really feel up to providing all of the details at the moment but I did want to apologize to my readers for the emotional trap. I’m not nearly so hopeless and helpless.

I’ve been spending at least some time looking for a therapist. I’m finding it pretty difficult, but not for any surface emotion that I can determine.

I’m trying to pay very close attention to how I feel when listening to the prospective therapist’s voice. If and only if I am comfortable will I then move on to a consultation.

So far… no consultations yet.

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