Earlier today, I experienced an anxiety/panic attack. I was trying to talk to my girlfriend about what’s been going on for me for the past 24 hours or so, and I just felt myself becoming more and more anxious. I felt exposed, and just wanted to run home. My left lower back was spasming, and a feeling of pain was spreading through my back to my shoulders and neck, and I felt like throwing up.

Last night, I had a bit of a MEcosystem discussion. There was a part of me that did not like how I was spending so much time investigating my past, basically saying something like, “When are you going to move on already?” I thought that this part of me might have a good point, so I entered into a discussion with him. After going back and forth for a while, I think we determined that he was feeling anxiety about this exploration, but also that he didn’t like my goal to be a good father. What if I never become a father? This side of me pointed out that the way to be a good father is not to focus on fatherhood, but to be a good person. So the focus on the past is important, but only insofar as it informs whether I become a good person, not whether I refrain from maltreating my possible future children. That is to say, becoming a good person brings the focus of my exploration to the present; my current behavior is what determines whether I am a good person or not, and whether I can, in the future, be considered a good person. Specifically, this has everything to do with how I relate to my girlfriend.

I told my girlfriend about this internal debate. I can’t remember if it was before or afterwards, but I also told her about how I was just feeling incredibly bored this morning (that might have been what I opened with). I was just feeling bored with everything… and very early this morning, I thought it might have been our relationship, but after I was alone at home for a few hours while she was at work and I continued to feel the same way, I wondered if this hasn’t been something I’ve been struggling with for years upon years. Maybe this is when the anxiety started to mount–even just typing about it is causing my torso muscles to tense up and the nausea to rise.

I really don’t know whence comes this anxiety! It feels like I’ve been pretty severely beaten up.

I don’t know if I have anything else to say about this right now. I’ll post more if I come up with more.