Here’s a two-fer for you folks:

Such a Lovely Pair…

I’ve decided to go with a new name for this blog. Instead of “eques’ ruminations,” which was a fine title for a while, I’ve settled on “personal archaeology: Rationally Exploring the Inner Life.”

After all, that is what this blog is about! To the best of my ability, combined with the help of my friends, I explore what makes me tick and share that with the world.

I realize that this isn’t everybody’s cup of tea, but so far, it has been the most rewarding adventure I have ever been on, full of thrills and chills that will last me for the rest of my life.

Perhaps even you will join me in my trek! Let us share our experiences and share in our growth together.

Yay! Upgraded!

I need to find a better way of upgrading, though. I spent a furtive 10 minutes or so moving files, afraid that somebody might come along and find my site down.

Oh.

I guess I’m not THAT popular… heh.

An Environment of Abuse

A Review of “For Your Own Good” by Alice Miller

The mundane details pile up! So, in the interest of those who are interested in such mundane details (and, of course, for my own amusement), here’s a little mundanity(?):

I finally got my car retitled and registered and my license transferred after being in NH for a period of time which is considerably longer than the authorities state is required based on the assumption that you’ve permanently moved to the state, which I have.

The main reason I’ve put it off so long is that I haven’t had the money to get all of that done. State fees in all totaled just under $200. Also, as it turns out, I need to get my exhaust manifold replaced. It’s a combination manifold/catalytic converter, and so the new part from Honda lists over $700.

The guy at the garage will install a used one for me if I can come up with it, however, so that’s what I’ve been spending my time doing. It looks like used ones run around $200 or so, $230-ish (including shipping).

I can’t pass inspection without replacing the manifold, so it appears that I will be going over the 10-day limit for inspection once you’ve registered the car. More of the same, it would seem, except I should be able to get this all squared away within about a week or two at the very most.

At first blush, however, I was like… $750 for the part alone? There’s no way I can afford that for at least a month! Even just getting the part at a discounted rate clobbers the small amount of money I’ve gathered together to make a deposit on an apartment that’s closer to where I work, so I’ll be doing my long-ass commute for another month or two to recuperate this expenditure.

All told, it certainly is better than having my ass thrown in jail! At this point, the worst that will probably happen is I’ll get a ticket, if I get pulled over. I don’t see too many people pulled over on my commute, however, and I’ve never been pulled over myself in the time I’ve been living here.

So far, so good. When I get the new tags (and am all legal), I’ll post pictures of my new license plate.

I think y’all will like it.

Earlier today, I experienced an anxiety/panic attack. I was trying to talk to my girlfriend about what’s been going on for me for the past 24 hours or so, and I just felt myself becoming more and more anxious. I felt exposed, and just wanted to run home. My left lower back was spasming, and a feeling of pain was spreading through my back to my shoulders and neck, and I felt like throwing up.

Last night, I had a bit of a MEcosystem discussion. There was a part of me that did not like how I was spending so much time investigating my past, basically saying something like, “When are you going to move on already?” I thought that this part of me might have a good point, so I entered into a discussion with him. After going back and forth for a while, I think we determined that he was feeling anxiety about this exploration, but also that he didn’t like my goal to be a good father. What if I never become a father? This side of me pointed out that the way to be a good father is not to focus on fatherhood, but to be a good person. So the focus on the past is important, but only insofar as it informs whether I become a good person, not whether I refrain from maltreating my possible future children. That is to say, becoming a good person brings the focus of my exploration to the present; my current behavior is what determines whether I am a good person or not, and whether I can, in the future, be considered a good person. Specifically, this has everything to do with how I relate to my girlfriend.

I told my girlfriend about this internal debate. I can’t remember if it was before or afterwards, but I also told her about how I was just feeling incredibly bored this morning (that might have been what I opened with). I was just feeling bored with everything… and very early this morning, I thought it might have been our relationship, but after I was alone at home for a few hours while she was at work and I continued to feel the same way, I wondered if this hasn’t been something I’ve been struggling with for years upon years. Maybe this is when the anxiety started to mount–even just typing about it is causing my torso muscles to tense up and the nausea to rise.

I really don’t know whence comes this anxiety! It feels like I’ve been pretty severely beaten up.

I don’t know if I have anything else to say about this right now. I’ll post more if I come up with more.

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