I haven’t yet eaten today… and I would eat, if I felt a little hungry. My head hurts a little, probably because of the aforementioned lack of food, but if I’m not feeling hungry, why should I eat?

So, I’ve finally got something employment-wise, but I won’t be seeing dollar signs until about three weeks from now. That means I have about three weeks to survive on about $500, with two of those weeks involving a daily drive from where I live to where the contract is… and that won’t be cheap.

I don’t know if I would have any credit left by now… I could possibly hit up the local bank to see if they’ll give me a short-term loan of about $1000 for about six months or something (or even three months)… because $500 for living and working expenses for three weeks while driving and everything is bad enough, but I’ve got other organizations that would like to be paid sooner rather than later… to say nothing of rent.

And who knows–maybe there are state or federal assistance programs out there, but will they turn around quickly enough to give me a quick infusion of cash? I need the money now, not later, not “eventually.” I won’t be needing the money in four or five weeks–I need it tomorrow.

This seems to be my pattern of existence for the past 6 years or so. I really, really hope that I can break it.

Certainly, a lot of it has to do with being trained to be a certain way in relationships to others. Instead of confronting my own problems and allowing others to confront theirs, I attempt to bury mine and solve other people’s problems… which, really, only ends up with more problems for me because then my problems are unresolved and I gain dependents.

Specifically, I feel anxious if somebody around me is expressing distress. Instead of questioning why I feel anxiety because of somebody else’s problem that may or may not have anything to do with me, I leap into action with the Big Sopping Wet Band-Aid of the Universe to try to solve the problem.

It’s like I think I’m some sort of Superman, some sort of Savior… but I’m not. I’m just a man… but more than that, when I try to do that, I’m doing more than just trying to “rescue” somebody else–I am hiding my own pain, ignoring my own feelings, subjugating my own desires… for what?

The upside of this is that being the way I am is not my fault. Specifically, I was trained to be this way by my parents. The downside, of course, is that now that I am aware of it (and, honestly, I’ve been increasingly aware of it for six weeks now but I think I’ve been trying to ignore it), I am fully responsible from here on out.

Into the breach.