Yesterday, on ye olde Twittere, I posted:

The process of therapy is akin to refitting a war factory for peacetime production.

Not to toot my own horn, but the more I think about this metaphor, the more I like it.

A war factory would contain all kinds of machinery for perpetuating conflict, violence, and destruction… and there always seem to be buyers.

Refitting any factory is difficult, but a war factory is particularly so–especially if you want to make sure that the factory is never again turned toward evil purposes… that you, the owner of the factory, are not responsible for perpetuating the war for yet another generation.

This metaphor was provoked by something we approached in therapy yesterday. There is a box, the contents hidden from my cognition… and those that know the contents are too afraid to speak right now.

We will uncover this, in time… after all, it’s been over 30 years of life being lived without power or knowledge, with only the past 6 months spent trying to unravel what goes on in my head.

The laundry detergent commercial that’s been running lately has this tag, “Remember the meal, not the stain.”

They show a family eating hot dogs.

“Remember the meal”?

Hot dogs?

Really?

Regarding the stain, I can see why people wouldn’t want to remember stains! After all, if my experience with stains, marks, and accidents is any indication of what most people experience, the experience of creating a stain is itself a stain. It’s always negative, full of reproach and hostility, sometimes even violence.

However, there is another way to look upon stains. In one of his recent podcasts (I think it was a parenting podcast), Stef talks about a coffee stain on the carpet. But when he sees it, he doesn’t see a stain because that was made the night he and his wife brought their daughter home from the hospital for the first time. He sees that night, with all of the joys and challenges it evokes, and the memory of his daughter at that time.

Having that sort of perspective does take a lot of self-work in order to understand your experience of stains and–if necessary or possible–surpass that experience.

But of course, it’s not required–nothing is.

I think that you can probably find people in just about any topic that will get their knickers all up in a knot if you hold a particular opinion… and when it comes to food, there is no lack of strongly-held opinions.

In addition to that, there are many studies out there which are seemingly contradictory, saying this about this kind of diet, saying that about that kind of diet…

It can be hard to know what to believe. My approach has been to experiment on myself to see if the claims are true or false.

Over the past few months, I’ve discovered a few things about my body:

I have a sensitivity to wheat to the extent that I am better off avoiding wheat products altogether. Since I don’t normally eat wheat products, I know pretty much right away when I’ve accidentally (or lazily) eaten something with wheat in it.

If I consume any significant amount of carbohydrates, I am pretty much guaranteed to gain weight. Not only that, but I rarely feel sated, and I experience wide swings in blood sugar. By avoiding wheat and any kind of refined carbohydrates (only taking in carbohydrates in raw or cooked fresh vegetables), various physiological characteristics and rhythms have improved, including my skin, my excess fat, my sleep cycles, etc…

If I happen to overeat or eat something that doesn’t otherwise agree with me, I know pretty much right away and am able to narrow down what happened pretty easily.

It doesn’t mean I still don’t have problems, and food is only one piece of the puzzle. But I have been doing pretty well despite having some sinus issues at the moment; but this could be caused by either seasonal allergies or the dust clouds I see whipping around in the wind outside.

The other thing I’ve been doing–which is entirely optional, but I do not believe is incidental–is that I have been purchasing as much food as I can from local distributors. This isn’t because I believe that national distributors are evil or anything like that, but certain aspects of national or large regional distributors have certain side effects in the food that we eat (compare and contrast grain-fed vs. grass-fed livestock), and at the moment, local distributors are much less likely to engage in such practices.

Also… milk from a local farm tastes way better to me. I’m not sure what the objective differences are, and I’ve not tried any kind of double-blind study to see if it’s all in my head… but I just can’t have lattes from my local Starbucks anymore. They taste gross to me! Bleah!

Another way to save money…

All in all, I have to be pretty careful what I eat. I will sometimes feel the urge to overeat but if I examine my diet, I will usually find that I’ve inadvertently consumed something on my “no” list, or I managed to listen to the self-talk that said, “c’mon, you’ve been SO good, you can have just a little bit.”

The problem is, even if I do have just a little bit (and having “just a little bit” is REALLY tough to do), I always pay for it in the end.

I don’t recall ever hearing this song in its entirety before, just the first couple lines of the chorus… I never, ever knew what it was about.

I found it deeply moving; if it’s not too obvious to point it out, it’s about why children run away. Nearly every single line tears at my heart–not just for my own experience, but for the vast numbers of children that experience this, whether they’ve run away or not:

Lyrics:

Call you up in the middle of the night
Like a firefly without a light
You were there like a blowtorch burning
I was a key that could use a little turning

So tired that I couldn't even sleep
So many secrets I couldn't keep
Promised myself I wouldn't weep
One more promise I couldn't keep

It seems no one can help me now
I'm in too deep there's no way out
This time I have really led myself astray

Runaway train, never going back
Wrong way on a one-way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I'm neither here nor there

Can you help me remember how to smile?
Make it somehow all seem worthwhile
How on earth did I get so jaded?
Life's mystery seems so faded

I can go where no one else can go
I know what no one else knows
Here I am just a-drownin' in the rain
With a ticket for a runaway train

And everything seems cut and dried
Day and night, earth and sky
Somehow I just don't believe it

Runaway train, never going back
Wrong way on a one-way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I'm neither here nor there

Bought a ticket for a runaway train
Like a madman laughing at the rain
A little out of touch, a little insane
It's just easier than dealing with the pain

Runaway train, never going back
Wrong way on a one-way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I'm neither here nor there

Runaway train, never coming back
Runaway train, tearing up the track
Runaway train, burning in my veins
I run away but it always seems the same

In therapy today, a cop character appeared, with the expression, “Move along. Nothing to see here.”

Whenever this is said in the movies, there is almost certainly something to be seen! The implications of this are two-fold:

• There is something grisly to behold and the cop is protecting innocent civilians from having to witness the horror; or
• More than likely there is something extremely important going on that citizens ought to know about but the cop, in his corruption, is engaging in a coverup.

Tonight, in discussing my thoughts and feelings about therapy today, the familiar thoughtfeeling of isolation arose. The fact that it arose within me triggered a red flag and I began to explore it in the context of therapy.

Three major fables came to mind:

• The black sheep (whose fleece is prized [this part I added but it makes sense])
• The ugly duckling (who grows into a swan)
• Cinderella (who is married by the prince)

The cop was hiding the meaning behind these fables as well as the grisly remains of the attack that brought the meaning of these fables into being, so even in the Mecosystem, he serves that dual purpose mentioned above (though I would not use the term “corruption” here in the same sense as above, but in the sense that this part is corrupted from whatever his primary purpose might be).

To me, the meaning of these fables is as such:

• You are specially hideous.
• You are deserving of abuse.
• You have or can produce great value or beauty.
• One day you will realize that through no effort of your own.

Of course, these fables are total mind-fucks. An abuser that praises you for your potential is merely setting you up so he or she can abuse you again.

Furthermore, the beauty–if it is even true–is not guaranteed.

Also, the fable instructs that you are the only one in the entire universe who is cast in this way. This is simply not true given the resonance that these fables have among people.

Finally, one of the major lessons of the fable is that good can come out of abuse, which is a blindness wrought by ignoring the awful costs.

So whenever I think about isolation, I tend to think externally… but tonight I gained a new perspective on this: it is not possible for me to not feel isolated socially if I am currently feeling isolated internally. I have certainly experienced isolation internally, whether it be a single voice or simply a feeling of a void or an emptiness.

In truth, the multiplicity has always been there but I’ve rarely–if ever–been conscious of it until relatively recently.

It was this that the cop was hiding–the grisly remains of the attack, but also the truth behind them–the “specialness” was a lie constructed to keep me isolated and alone, even within myself.

There may be more to be shown and explored but I thought I would share this much with you.

Ciao!

I received a comment on Facebook regarding You Are Not Google’s Customer that I thought was quite insightful, and so I thought I would share it here:

I agree to your point about the customer. But the other side is missing too much for my taste: Google is only attractive to advertisers if it pleases a lot of people – and if they are outraged about their privacy, it will have an effect in their desired direction. Most of the time this will not be the conscious rationale, because people are not self-knowledgeable to this degree. And that is certainly most important: If you get worked up on something, find out what it is really. It is most often not what you first think it is.

My reply:

I did think about Google’s actions pissing off their advertiser’s targets, but opted to not mention it because I was mostly speaking to the people who (to the best of my knowledge) were experiencing rage “second-hand”.

My opinion about target audience attractiveness is that I don’t believe that Google Buzz will turn enough people off to Google for it to make a difference. In fact, it will tend to weed out people who weren’t very good targets for the kinds of advertisers that Google wants to attract.

I would put forward that Google made this calculation prior to releasing Buzz. The reason I believe this is because Google did not immediately retract Buzz when news of trauma victims came out, which was pretty much immediately after it was released.

The recent SNAFU from Google has caught a lot of people off-guard, at the very least. Several people have expressed a great deal of rage over the fact that their privacy, which they believed to be safe, was obliterated by Buzz.

In witnessing the very strong emotions that were circling Buzz, I found it difficult to feel the same way. It’s certainly not the case that I have difficulty feeling anger (or even rage), but something about it all seemed “off” to me.

I could understand individuals who were reconnected with dangerous people from their past feeling a great deal of anger–or even rage–but I could not quite understand the level of anger from people who were not affected as directly.

After thinking about this for a couple days, I came across an idea that made a lot of sense, and I would be open to feedback around it as well.

You are not Google’s customer

Google is primarily a deliverer of advertisements (to the tune of 97% of their revenue).

You, as a gmail user, are the target of those advertisements… but you are not the customer.

Google does not have to please you–they have to please the people who pay them money.

There is no reason that this wouldn’t occur to the vast majority of people as we live in a society where “free” is all too often not to be questioned.

However, as we can see, with Google Buzz… “free” in terms of dollars and cents does not mean there is no cost.

I’m not saying it’s evil or wrong to use Google, or even that what they’re doing is evil or wrong. However, I think it’s important–especially those of us who strive for self-awareness–to be empirical and rational, as much as we can.

If you opt to use a service that isn’t charging you any money, then you very likely have little to no guarantee as to your privacy. Email is certainly valuable, and that service is providing that value in order to get something out of you.

Knowing what that something is will help you make an informed decision as to whether you ought to be using it.

Using Google’s services is completely voluntary. There is nobody holding a gun to your head, requiring you to use their email, or online applications, or web browser. However, just be aware that these things are presently for the benefit of Google’s advertisers, not yours.

Again, there’s nothing wrong with that–it’s just a fact to keep in mind as you walk through life.

I had a double session at therapy today, and while I don’t really want to talk about everything that went on in the session, I can say that the 2-hour period of time was intense and fruitful!

I’m starting to get a sense of what parts compose me and the personalities therein. It’s still very difficult and I completely dissociated at least once during the session, but there is a character that I’ve met before, but only via a metaphorical visualization.

The metaphor was that of a wintry earth, lifeless on the surface, but containing underground denizens… and a core that was powerful and alive but not warming the planet.

Today I got to see this core, this powerful, central force. His feet are encased in cement, his wrists are bound with chains, and he has a large hook through his stomach.

How powerful must this character be to be so brutally bound?!

When the therapist would ask this part whether we could loose the chains, it would reply, “Take your time.” It did this several times until we both understood that it wanted me to make the decision… and I can only make that decision if people in the mecosystem are on board.

There’s definitely a part of me that wants to let this power, this central force and source of life and vitality, free! And I don’t get the sense from this power that he would destroy my life or run rampant, though that is certainly a fear that some of my parts have for sure.

This character/power is truly like magma or mantle in so many ways… he is a tremendously powerful source of energy… he creates mountains and landscapes… he erupts a volcano which initially destroys but enriches the area for new growth… he is tectonic; he is just about the most powerful thing on this planet.

There are also some deeply unconscious metaphors that resonate with this character, such as the hook in the stomach–a fish that swallows a hook will get it lodged in his belly and will be trapped–the hook will always be there for others to yank on. The power, the movement, the solidity of this character also evokes images of deep sea, large creatures, ages old…

The reason it was chained and bound and gutted is because the power it can wield was very dangerous to parents such as mine. Imagine all of the power represented by the earth’s core, and what shallow, reactionary, anxiety-managing machines such as my parents would do in the face of the full brunt of it?

I do not yet believe that this creature is loosed, but I do believe it will be loosed soon… and when it is… watch the fuck out.

I’ve been trying to answer this question for the past few days, and I find that I keep going over it again and again, which generally means that I’m missing something!

As it usually happens, once I admitted that to myself, I struck on the core of the issue, which I’d like to share with you.

When I think about this question, all of my answers revolve around my future wife and children. In earlier attempts at answering, I would set off on a tangent in an attempt to explain why it was only this and perhaps why I did not have anything with my career/work in there… and this is what I kept redoing.

When I finally realized I was retreading the same ground, it came to me that the reason my answers all had to do with my family is that it is the absolute most important goal in my life. If all I ever do with my life is have a relationship with my wife and children that is honorable, noble, honest, courageous, loving, beautiful, wonderful–everything that is sung about but rarely lived–then that will be a life well lived!

For me, vocational pursuits are incidental to that end, or a means to that goal, just like therapy.

It’s not that my career is unimportant, because I believe it will play a vital role in attracting the woman of my dreams, but it is not a thing in itself for me. It is not a pursuit that can possibly be separated from my life with my wife. In fact, it is wholly dependent on that relationship, and I generally view it through the context of such a life.

Of course, at this point in time, I am able to do things that I would not want to do if I was in a relationship–and they are things that I do now, such as working 60 hours in a week for several weeks at a time to get some extra cash. I may still elect to do this when I have found Mrs. Pyrich, but it doesn’t feel like it will be the same kind of decision.

So, to actually put forward answers to this question…

In a year, I hope to be done or pretty close to done with therapy. I also hope that I’ve successfully transitioned to voice acting or have put it to rest.

From one to two years, I hope to have met and started a romantic relationship with my wife-to-be.

From two to five years, I hope to get married and start working out the issues of sharing a life with somebody.

From five to ten years, I hope to have built a firm foundation of honesty, trust, respect, and courage with my wife so that we can have had a child, or (dare to dream) children.

I would like to put a few things into perspective here. First, I am turning 31 in less than a month. This means that the above timespans go all throughout my 30s, and that in ten years–by the time I’m nearly 41–I hope to be married with children.

I do not particularly relish the idea of being in my late 50s when my children are graduating high school and/or college, but it is way better than the alternatives of having had children in my 20s when I was woefully unready (and likely would have brought them great harm), or not ever having had children.

Another thing I would like to preemptively address is that I do not consider this to be an inviolate timeframe. It’s not like I will castigate myself as a failure if I am not finished with therapy in a year (of course, if I did, that would mean it’s time to go talk to my therapist ), nor will I refuse to get into a romantic relationship if I somehow meet the woman of my dreams in, say, June of this year.

This is not about making predictions or giving myself a standard with which to self-attack. This is about building my life to get what I want, and what I want the very very most is a wife and children.

Download MP3
49.0M 35:44

An additional note (a bit of a spoiler, perhaps…)

Something else that could have occurred if I had been successful early is I could have projected my “difficult” emotions onto those around me and caused harm to others, which would be an even worse fate…

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